I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
