I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
