I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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