Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
