Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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