May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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