Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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