my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
