so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
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