Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
