I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
