Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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