if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
