I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
