hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
