yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
