the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
