Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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