i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
