I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
we're making bets on your personal life
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
