i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
