he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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