Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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