so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
