dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
