Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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