He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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