My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
