3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
