I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
