Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
