thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
