i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
