just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
