a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
