I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
