True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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