I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Randomize
