is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
