I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
