I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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