drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
