You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
