Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
