Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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