the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Randomize
