apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize