I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
