the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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