brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?