God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
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No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
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I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors