I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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