my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
