I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
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