White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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