i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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