Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
