so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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