a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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